Day 18 - July 2, 2009

Day 18: Love seeks to understand

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.

—Proverbs 3:13

TODAY’S DARE

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

I prepared the dinner for both of us. I tried to think of his favorite things to eat: Pasta Roni, Pizza, Tacos, Hamburgers... It took me a little bit to think of what to make. Steve is pretty simple when it comes to food. He will eat most anything someone will cook for him. I ended up making him a rib eye steak, twice baked potato and salad. Not a huge meal, but the steak was very large .

Doing these dares has taught me and reinforced love being a choice. Choosing to do things knowing it may not get a compliment, it may not change the status of my marriage, and it may not drive his heart to love me. I'm not going through the motions of the dares, I am choosing to do them because I love my husband. I want my marriage and a happy home for my children.

It's only fitting to post my poem I wrote when Steve was in boot camp. Not sure if I have told the story of the poem to anyone. When Steven was in boot camp I had decided I wanted a separation.

One night, in a dream, God showed me his plan. He showed me Steve and I on a circular road. Sometimes we went in different directions and other times we chased each other. But God called us back to the center. Steven was the first to get there. I decided to go to, but our backs were to each other. Then Steven turned around to face me, but my back was to him. God showed me I could choose to keep my back to him or face my husband. If I chose to face him he showed me we would have the most intimate relationship beyond my hopes and dreams.

I questioned God about this dream, I thought God was leading me to be alone and get hurt. In the end, I decided to move. (remember Gabriel was diagnosed with cancer during the time I was working through this. I thought about the support I could get, the resentment of Steve joining the military without me....I had been thinking of separation for months).

I began to think of the myths of marriage. How some women may feel they will go into marriage to their Prince Charming, they will be cherished, love and be the only focus of their husbands sexual appetite/attraction (couldn't think of a better way to it).

I thought of my friends, how they felt their identity change in the first years of marriage. Trying to be the perfect wife, something I did too. I thought of the heartache in realizing it wasn't so and if I could say anything to someone who was going to marry to rid them of the same illusion I had, what would I say. Thus, the birth of my poem (this poem also shows my transformation to turning to my husband):

Love is a choice
Choosing to open the heart
Losing control of how received
An investment without return
Denying selfishness – me and I
Sacrificing with haves and don’t haves
Vulnerable, honest – putting down fear and barriers
And being willing to not know
Learning the language, still not heard
Handling the hurt, it arrives
More times than spoken or loved
It is the broken promises
The abuse that is demeaning
Lust getting more devotion than the faithful
Lack of appreciation
Distractions hindering growth and commitment
Being deceived and lied to
Romance and intimacy being a distant dream
Realizing “me” is not enough
When the pain makes silent tears
Ready to give up when all was given
Then submitting to GOD’s Will
Forgiving every wrong time again after time
Letting go of anger, bitterness, and need for revenge
Pushing through the hardest obstacles
Fatigue, Faint, but fighting
When all strength is gone, but GOD
Battles that make stronger the weak
Enduring for wholeness
Where loneliness replaced one flesh
Growing to learn love is action
Being patient with addictions
Praying them through
Power to say “I will not give up on you,
I love you despite your failures,
I forgive you…I will help you
I will not leave you.”
Love is uncomfortable
It’s not natural
Love is taking one step at a time
Not knowing the future
With the Creator of love leading
Love is a choice

I do love you
For better or worst
Richer of poorer
In sickness and health
Till death we part

Copyright © 2005 by Angela Caldwell