Day 16 - June 30, 2009

Day 16: Love intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.

—3 John 2

TODAY’S DARE

Begin praying today for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.

The book asks if I have experienced the power of prayer before. The answer is YES. Though I have failed with talking to God about everything. Honestly, I had begun to not trust God in my life (woo). Yes, there were times when I prayed for things in my life and was met again with hurt. I began to wonder why God would blind me to things or why He had failed me. Why God would keep letting me hurt and put me in hurtful situations. Why God would not protect me from hurtful things.

With my son's treatment I had faith in God's miracles. He had shown our family over and over again how faithful He was. Yet things in my marriage and childhood I would question God. I reached a point where I wondered how I could trust God. This effected my prayer life greatly. It effected my faith. I began to wonder and question God in ways I would have never imagined. I eventually told God I had the right to question Him. He knew my heart anyway, He knew the questions, the mistrust, and if He wants relationship then I need to honest with Him.

I found myself being as Jonah often. Judging the person I was to be most intimate with. Criticizing him, blaming him for the reason our marriage was broken, accusing him of things he would never do, resolving to not trust him because he would hurt me, looking for anything I could find to prove I was right and at times... Hoping something bad would happen to me.

Many people who know me, know I have struggled with low esteem, self worth, self pity, confidence and suicide. There have been times in my marriage I had resolved to hurt myself in front of my husband. Though the times were few, I felt if I hurt myself he would be happy. I have broken a picture frame over my head, I have slapped my face, and there were times I just wanted to die to take away the pain I made him feel. With my children I could not take my life though the desire built within.

I am admitting these things because with experiencing the power of prayer it can make a person expect God to be a genie. Become disappointed and not trust God. Once the trust is broken, the prayer life begins to shut down and leaks to other areas of a persons life. As it had mine.

Last evening, I wondered if I should be so open. People still wonder what Paul's thorn was, should I simply say I have failings. In my short time on earth I have learned the path to healing is first admitting to the problem. Resolving to ask for forgiveness and repent. Resolving to give everything to God whom I can trust. And allowing God to heal me.



Therefore I will cast all my anxiety on God because He cares for me. I will resolve to pray for my husband instead of continuing this cycle. I have failed at being an advocate for him in prayer as I should. From today forward I will use the tools God has given me. Instead of taking things into my own hands and failing as I have in the past. I will bring everything to God in prayer.

Two videos which encourage me:

Father, can You hear me?