How did I get here?

It's amazing how things a person would work to prevent is the very thing they may have to conquer. I have been married for 7 years with three children and one due in September. I made a blog for my middle son Gabriel, now it is time to start my own. Time to confess my faults, my sins - to clean out my closet. I'm ready for a change, an "about face" to walking in my full potential in God. What I share, my shame, will be my glory, I pray.

I married my knight in shining armor literally. He rescued me from my childhood hurts, unknowing the depth of my scars. I was his Lady who held the key to his heart. Not a diamond, but a rare jewel. Or I will quote from the Disney's Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity... is the most rare and beautiful of them all."



The 7 years we have been married we have endured much together. We became parents shortly after marriage. When our son was 6 months old we found we were pregnant with another. We bought our first home the same year our son was born. Incurred debt. Our youngest son at the time nearly drowned when he was 10 months. When Michigan layoffs began, my husband lost his job. After he lost his job he felt called to join the Navy. We found we were pregnant just before he left for boot camp. While he was in boot camp our middle child was diagnosed with Leukemia. We moved away from family to South Carolina to begin my husband's intensive military training as a nuclear engineer. His training consisted of 16 to 18 hour days.



This was the first time my husband and I both felt alone. I could not be his support in the military because I had to take care of our son who was just starting treatment. He could not be my support because he needed to stay focus in school (to which he graduated one of the top in his class - he is truly amazing). We both had to go the haul alone and when it was time for our next move neither of us had recovered.

We moved to California when my husband happened to have been put on a ship which was getting ready to deploy. Our son still undergoing treatment. Here is where we began to feel our hurts from the past years. We hadn't dealt with our sons near drowning, I refused to talk about it and my husband I think shut the door. It was my greatest shame and failing as a mom. I am still recovering.



In California we also begin to voice our hurts from our marriage. We'd been very busy with everything else we hadn't had time to deal with our stuff. My past was a big problem. Throughout our marriage the past crept up in our fights, in my day to day. I hadn't known, until I completed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) what my scars were even. How I could have the best husband in the world, but lived in constant fear.

Being emotionally drained and tired I said something to my husband which I regret, "I fear if you do not get out of the military we will lose our marriage."

Bringing me to the present. My husband transitioned out of the military on a hardship discharge. They gave him 10 days to get out - meaning: find a job, a place to live and move out of military housing along with the two dozen other chores they gave him to do at work. During this time, wow, our son had two bone marrows and the doctors did not know if he was still in remission. Part of our requesting to get out of the military was due to us expecting our fourth child. I could not take our son to some of his appointments. We still live were we have no family.

My husband had his hands full. Instead of being there for my husband I went into despair. I didn't like how much he was getting paid, he has a bachelors, his military training and achievement awards. I felt he deserved much better. He found us a place, but I was not happy with it. It's a two bedroom 900sq ft apartment. There was another place I thought would be better given we were expecting. He asked me to do one thing, "Just trust me, please just trust. I want this to be our adventure together."


He talked about the miracles of accomplishing everything he had in ten days, how we were following God's path for us. Me on the other hand, I saw it all as punishment. When my husband needed me I wasn't there. Now my husband wants to be separated and possibly divorce. Our two months in this apartment have rendered our worse fights ever. Physical fights, my breaking his laptop, my telling him to sleep in his car for the first time at 11:30pm... Our fights to me were about girl(s) he met online. To him it was about dealing with all my issues. Trying to be who I wanted him to be instead of himself. Not feeling respected by his wife. Feeling alone. Wanting to be free of the cage I put him in.



Here I am today, writing how I got here. Praying like never before to keep my marriage. I have started the Love Dare. Next entry will be Day 1.